Hey

Hey. Its been a while. Not just a while, 5 years has gone by. Unexpectedly, but grateful, Alhamdulillah for these chances in having a healthy life.

Life has been, crazy. Studies, heartbreaks, depression, anxiety, hospital visits, family. 5 years guys. Im 25 now. Not yet matured, self-proclaim baby princess.

Im far from happy, but working hard to be one. Im an adult now. Commitments, life, and being socially active to the world has been challenging. But insha Allah, Allah will ease everything.

THEM, who I thought were my friends.

I tried to ignore those feelings, ignore whatever had happened to us and try to go with the flow.
And it does not progressed well.
You guys on the other hand, survived, like nothing had happened between us.
It's just like we were never called as your friends before. A complete stranger.
It hurts as hell seeing us like this. We are classmates, yet we act like strangers.
The fact that we have been together for almost two freaking years is not exist at all.

Why do you want to control the team? Can't the team think as a team?
Why do you have to talk about teamwork but there was no teamwork in the first place?
Why are you so selfish, just concern about the people you attached to and throw us just because we are not in the same house?
Why do you want to be the superior, when we can act as a team, together?
Why are your thinking so shallow?
Don't you even see what is happening to us?
We are breaking apart.
Where were those sisterhood promises that we made before?
Are they all just lies?
Even other groups fight, but us, it's keep on coming back.
Why you people are so freaking heartless?
Please, I am tired of this.

World

I want to live my life to the fullest! I want to do what I always wanted to do, exposed myself more, and be confident in everything I do. I don't want to be kept in a glass cage, forever, with only just observing and criticizing things that I only just see.

Prince

He's owned. Back off, Nisaa. You fool!

Awaken

I always wonder why I want to be in a relationship so bad. Maybe it is the fact that I want to feel how is it feel to be in love and loved by someone. A male specifically.

Like what she said was true, instead of wasting my time on something worthless, I should be focusing on my goals. What I want to achieve. What my parents want me to be. Instead of rushing to find a soulmate, I should prepare myself to be a better wife. My wife-skills are so extremely bad and I cant even think a real man could ever want me as a wife.

I guess its better to grow up and start to act like a true adult. I am no longer a child who still need to rely on others on everything. I am also no longer a typical adolencense that only dream about love and marriage. I have a responsibility in life and I should really start focusing on things that is important. Soulmate can come later. If Allah said, "this is your partner, cherish it until your last breath," then so be it.

Love

Saya dah penat. Kalau lah hati ni boleh di reverse balik, kan bagus? Tak payah nak fikir pasal cinta.
Ya, Euzkadi, saya suka sangat dekat awak. Tapi saya tahu awak tak pernah sedar akan kewujudan saya.
Saya cerita dekat orang lain pasal awak, orang gelak sebab saya bertepuk sebelah tangan. Saya tahu saya kurang arif dalam bab ni. Saya juga mengaku, yang saya ni, once dah suka seseorang, memang susah nk lepas or move on. It takes a lot of time to heal.
That is why it hurts to love someone who cannot love you back.
Orang gelak sebab saya terhegeh hegeh nak awk cakap dengan saya.
Orang gelak saya suka pada orang yang tak pernah bercakap dengan saya.
Orang gelak saya suka pada orang yang tak layan saya.

Saya faham. Tapi saya tak faham kenapa susah sangat saya nak lupakan awak.
Saya rimas, tapi saya rindu. Awak faham tak?

At one point, saya tak tahu nak buat apa dah.

Biadap

Saya tak suka di perli hanya kerana saya dipuji.
Kalau korang nak sangat dipuji, jaga la attitude. Hormat therapist and jangan nak mengada ngada sangat.
Saya dah sampai satu tahap malas nak layan perangai korang. Korang perli macam aku tak ada perasaan. Suka hati je nak cakap apa kat aku. Time aku tengah sibuk kau boleh pula suruh aku habiskan kerja kau. Banyak cantik? Kau fikir aku apa? Tukang processor kau? Ada otak, cuba la guna sebaik mungkin. Takkan semua nak harap aku yang tolong? Kau fikir kau sorang je serabut? Aku pun tengah serabut.

Korang jangan terkejut kalau ayat kasar terkeluar dari mulut aku. I may look naive, but i am not stupid and i am not that nice. Kalau nak terasa, ada aku kisah? Kau pun kalau aku terasa bukannya  kau kisah pun kan?